Falling Short
by Largely Inconsequential
Summary: Near has started to have dreams... but he doesn't know who they're about. It's only after he gets kidnapped and brutally tortured that he realizes who he wants, and they'll never like him back. Slight AU, Spoilers, Lang., Violence, Suicide, Death, Lemons.
1. Of Complexes and Research

_Hello, my lovely readers. I'm terribly sorry that I've disappeared, and that I haven't posted in forever. And I'm also terribly sorry to say that the rest of my fanfictions are of now discontinued, permanently. Anyone can fool around with it so long as they give me the original credit, because I am seriously appalled with the half-assed job I did on them. It could all be so much better…_

_But today I am unveiling the start of my newest fanfiction; Falling Short. It is a boyxboy love fanfiction, so all those who oppose shounenai, have the sense not to come here and read it just so that you can flame me for it since you don't enjoy yaoi._

_And too bad for you if you don't._

_I'm sure you would all enjoy a nice, plump summary of the story instead of the one or two lines that grabbed your eye amongst the rest of the fanfics out there. And I am happy to provide it! So, here you are;_

_"Near is working less and less, constantly distracted. L doesn't know why, but he does know that Near seems to have an inferiority complex._

_Hiding his emotions is just one of the defense mechanisms Near has. But, sadly, they can't stop him from being scarred when a mysterious man kidnaps him and tortures him, all for his own sick, twisted gain._

_And he has no hope left when he realizes the person he's been dreaming about for over a week… is L, the greatest detective ever, to all knowledge asexual, and the least available person ever, since he's ten years older than Near._

_Near is emotionless, able to figure any puzzle out, an instinctive knowledge that he doesn't understand always guiding him to what clue goes where._

_But Nate River, on the other hand, is broken. And he can't make it through alone._

_Will L be able to save him- or will Misa or Light take L for themselves?_

_Nothing is ever certain… but whatever expectations Near had…_

_This time, he's truly… __Falling Short."_

_I hope you enjoyed that little summary. _

_So yeah! I've bored you enough with this horrendously long author's note, so I'll launch the two-page prologue right about here._

_Enjoy!_

_Oh, but before you go any further….._

_WARNING: Name Spoilers, Slight AU; Sexual themes/events, Language, Violence, Character death, attempted suicide, Successful suicide, and a whole lot more to come in future chapters._

_Just to let you know._

Prologue:

Of Complexes and Research

Near tended to be quite introverted, even when working. He rarely gave his opinion, and when he did, it was in a cryptic manner. He (very strongly) disliked being put on the spot. These were facts, facts that L (who had taken to watching Near work when he was bored or on break) had determined.

What even L didn't know was why.

This particular 'why' dealt with the very thing causing our main character to balk at a simple question, even as we speak.

"Yo, Near! What's the square root of a hundred and ninety?" Matsuda called.

Near knew almost instantly that it was thirteen point seven eight four zero four eight seven five two zero nine zero two two one, etc, etc…

But he hesitated.

"You really need me to tell you that?"

Near only said this type of thing for one reason; he suffered from an inferiority complex. Even though deep down he knew he was right, and even though he hid all the signs of his complex well, so well he almost felt normal… things like this made him remember that he could still, very easily, make a mistake. Unlike, for instance, L.

Near heard footsteps quietly sound behind him and stop about a foot away; almost immediately anxious (though thanks to years of practice it was invisible to onlookers) he turned around in his chair to come face-to-face with L.

L was hunched over a little, as always, and was currently employing his quirky habit of chewing on the pad of his thumb.

"I wanted to thank you for coming to help work on the case," L said softly in Japanese (the language was dominant here, in Kyoto, Japan).

"It's not a problem, L-san," Near replied. "I would have asked to come anyway."

L, expression unreadable, glanced at Near's equally blank features, and suddenly broke into a wide smile, his eyes closing in show of cheerfulness.

"That's very nice of you, Near-kun! I appreciate it."

Near became very interested in his socks then. He managed to stave off a rising blush with a mumbled "I'm sorry, but I really should get back to work."

Turning back to his computer, Near pretended to skim through the words on the screen as L walked away.  
Forcing himself to breathe normally, he mentally interrogated himself.

'_Why am I so worked up about a silly 'thank you'?_' He reprimanded himself. Sighing as he didn't get an answer, Near returned to his research. Something caught his eye, and he clicked on it twice, expanding a list of deaths…

L watched Near from a few feet away. There were private webcams secretly planted in all the computer monitors save his; he had activated Near's discretely while talking to him. Now he gazed at Near's face as if trying to analyze the younger male: his expression revealed a sliver of emotion; determination, concentration,… and doubt.

L chewed on his thumb again; why would Near seem so doubtful?

Then, Near started to mumble something to himself softly; L could only manage to lip-read a small portion of it, which went along the lines of 'but what if I'm wrong? They…'

Near curled a lock of his hair between his forefinger and thumb; biting his lip gently, he stood up. Letting his hands fall to his sides, he made a beeline for the detective that was watching him.

Hastily cutting the feed from Near's webcam, L acted as though he were researching (which, he reflected, he really should have been) as the albino boy drew closer.

"L… How much do you know about how Kira kills?"

L glanced up at Near, silently mulling it over for a split second (it was all the time he needed).

"Well, we've established that he gives his victims heart-attacks, and can do so from a country or more away, which leaves me to believe he can either control other people, or has the illogical ability to do so remotely, on his own. The latter, illogical as it is, is the more likely of the two."

Near nodded, as if he had anticipated this, and hesitated before speaking again.

"I looked into all the deaths in the 'schedule' you made according to when Kira strikes… There are enough deaths to foil the idea that it is a coincidence; I believe Kira can kill in other ways as well."

Needless to say, this caught L's attention rather quickly.

"In what ways, Near?" He asked softly.

"Car accidents, being hit by a train, falls, drowning, suffocating, and possibly illness and suicide… I think he can kill in any way imaginable."

L's eyes widened imperceptibly; wondering at how he'd missed this, he turned back to his computer and conducted his own search. Skimming over the details to see for himself, L looked back at Near curiously.

"Thank you… I need to analyze this right away, or I'd discuss the matter with you. Perhaps we could meet for tea sometime soon."

After a moment's pause, L added: "Good work, Near-kun," and turned back to his computer, typing almost feverishly in light of this new evidence. In doing so, he missed the blush that Near couldn't quell, and didn't notice that it took a full minute for the albino boy to regain his composure.

_I know it's rather pitifully short, but it is a prologue, after all. It was about two pages long in my notebook, and the next chapter is just waiting to be typed up before I can post it. It's about six pages long, and I hope you shall enjoy it. In the meantime, I'll be pigging out on chocolate, writing more of it in my notebook, and trying to type up what I already have._

_Until next time, Ciao, my friends! Write on, and let the words flow freely._

_-Rianne_

_P.S. I would truly appreciate it if I got some reviews. It gets a bit lonely being a lacking-a-life writer, 'specially when a gang of your only friends pretty much outcast you. ^_^_


	2. Of Tea Parties and Dreams

_Well… amazingly, I haven't much to say here. The usual…._

_Oh, and I only own the storyline idea for this fic._

_Me no own Death Note or its characters… just the words I use for it. ;D_

_Again, it's a terribly short chapter (At least it's like, double the length of the last one x3)… but the juicy stuff is coming soon, I promise~!_

_Around chapter two and three, to be exact. :3_

_Oh~! Mood music for this chapter… Hmm…Probably "_You Girls Never Know_" by Franz Ferdinand... Hard to find a good song for this chapter, but it's pretty close._

* * *

Chapter 1:

Of Tea Parties and Dreams

_"And when I was in his bed and My father had sold me," - Marry Me by Emilie Autumn_

Near had contributed vastly to the research in the Kira case, bringing up several possibilities that were previously disregarded and/or ignored. However, he was almost always hesitant to share his ideas.

Most of the workforce believed that it was L making such breakthroughs (since Near didn't tell anyone but L his suspicions) and Near wasn't keen on correcting them.  
All this had taken approximately a week to happen; Near turned up enough evidence that L never seemed to have any time anymore.  
So, understandably, Near was surprised and slightly anxious when, on Friday (exactly one week and five days, five hours, twelve minutes, and approximately thirty-five seconds since he arrived) Watari had knocked on his door, announcing that L wanted to see him.  
Almost immediately Near replied with an unsure "I'll be right up," (for L was a single floor above him) and retreated to the safety of his room. His mind racing, Near wondered feverishly at why L would want to see him. Quickly checking his appearance in his mirror and smoothing down his hair, Near exited his floor (L had given him his own floor, god, it was so much! He could never use that much space…) to find Watari waiting by the elevator.

"Are you ready?" Watari asked politely; Near nodded and followed him into the elevator.

Upon reaching the top floor, Watari pressed his thumb against a print scanner in the corner of the elevator (which had suddenly whirred to life); Gesturing for Near to do it as well, Near hesitantly pressed his own thumb against the cool surface; the double-door opened and Near followed Watari into an apartment-like floor that seemed completely white.

Sterile, hospital-worthy white. It was in stark contrast to Near's room (which was the place he frequented most often), which was the darkest black possible. Near's pillow was the only white thing in it besides the door; some might call it depressing, but he found it calming.  
Watari ushered him into the 'living room', where L was sitting with his back to them.

"Good morning, Watari."

"Good morning; I have brought Near, as you requested; shall I take my leave?"

L turned and nodded, clearly grateful to Watari.

"If you like, you can go outside for a while."

"That's alright; but I wouldn't want to stray for too long."

"Hmm. Indeed… Oh, I've been ignoring Near. I'm sorry, Near, please take a seat. It's more comfortable than standing there."

Watari 'melted into the shadows', as some might say (he seemed to disappear, but the saying isn't quite appropriate as there are very few shadows in the room).

"Tea, Near?" L offered, pouring himself a cup and adding more sugar than was necessary.

"Tea?" Near repeated blankly, not understanding. As he echoed L, he looked around the room again, noting all the differences between this floor and his own. He liked how the furniture played off the white surroundings, creating a focal point by standing out. The armchairs and loveseat were dark, and looked like suede; the coffee table was largely made of glass, black granite framing it with intricate, tiny patterns at the edges, and curved, spindly legs (which didn't seem capable of holding up all the cakes, sweets, and sugar in general that was stacked upon it).

"Yes, tea. I _did_ invite you, after all. Now, please sit down, you're making me feel silly.

Near did as he was asked, taking a seat opposite the dark-haired detective. Accepting the proffered cup, Near sipped at the dark liquid inside it, glancing at L as soon as he did.

"Green herbal tea…?"

"It's admittedly not one of my favorites, but with extra sugar it's quite tolerable. You like it, though, don't you?"  
Near nodded silently, inwardly bursting with pleasure that L had bothered to remember his favorite tea.

"Is everything going alright?" L asked softly, his attention solely on Near as he drank his own sugar-in-a-cup. (There was barely any room for tea with how much sugar he'd dumped into the cup.)

Near found himself speechless and nodded once again, watching as L stirred his tea with a lollipop.

"You seem… down. You have ever since you came here. Is… Is it something I've been doing? Have I been ignoring you? Has someone been bugging you about something?"

Near looked up at L so suddenly that he was surprised he hadn't gotten whiplash, looking honestly perplexed.

"I told you, everything's fine… You don't need to worry about me, L."

"Alright… but promise me you'll tell me if something's wrong…?"

Near met L's gaze briefly (only as long as it took to murmur his consent to do so) before looking away again. Soon, he apologized, and left, the need to get back to work as his excuse.

He didn't forget to thank L for the tea.

* * *

The next day, Near awoke to a cold sweat and sticky sheets. Almost immediately, he knew he'd had a rather erotic dream, but for the life of him, he couldn't remember who else was in it, or what had happened. Shaking his head, he got up to shower, change, and get ready to have breakfast.

After that, his day was 'business as usual', except for the fact that little or no new evidence popped up (as they were watching possible suspects, as were the FBI).

The next week followed in the same way, Near's dreams plagued with an unknown person; but upon awakening, it would disappear.

This had quickly found a way to frustrate him, and he found he was working at nearly thirty per cent of his usual efficiency. True, there wasn't much to be done, but it would be disturbing if anyone knew him well and discovered it. After all, almost nothing hindered his work.

This sudden decline wasn't readily noticeable, but after another three days L had definitely picked up on it.

"I thought you promised to tell me if something was wrong," L accused (after he'd summoned Near to his living room once more).

"It's just a dream, L. It's not something to worry about," Near replied calmly.

"Obviously it is a recurring dream, and one that you're not very happy about."

"It's only bothering me because I can't remember what it's about."

L gave Near a piercing look, as if unsure whether Near was telling the truth or not, and chewed on the pad of his thumb.

"If you say so. Tea?"

Near politely declined, and returned to his own floor. When it came time to sleep, he found himself dreading another forgotten dream; yet he anticipated it eagerly in the hopes that he might discover what it contained.

This time, he awoke with a glimpse of pale moonlight striking broad shoulders that were just as pale as the light that hit them; and he was shivering almost violently. It took him thirty-three minutes longer than usual to get ready (which even Near thought was extremely odd) which meant he missed breakfast. Instead of opting to get something to eat anyway, he hurried down to try and be useful (his stomach felt queasy anyway, and he doubted he could keep anything down for long). However, most of the day he did nothing but sit in his seat, staring at the computer screen in front of him. His efficiency, he calculated mentally, had probably dropped to nineteen per cent, for he could do almost nothing without his mind being jerked back to the tiny clue he'd gotten as to who he was dreaming of. After all, when you're trying to find out something so big as this, anyone would be just as intensely curious, especially when they have the mental capacity that the average Whammy's kid had.

"Near," murmured a voice close to his ear. The back of Near's neck prickled eerily and he nearly jumped. Turning to see L, he felt his pulse slow, but it still beat faster than it normally did.

"What's wrong?" L asked, sitting on a chair next to him.

"Nothing's wrong… why?"

"You didn't eat this morning and you've been staring at the same sentence for the last fifteen minutes."

"Touché. No, nothing's wro…ng…" Near's words trailed off, as he apparently lost the ability to speak. Staring at L, Near gazed into the depths of L's dark eyes and saw himself reflected in them. But what really caught his attention was the lollipop held between L's lips, which were pale pink and soft-looking, shiny from the sticky gloss of the candy.

Suddenly struggling to beat down a blush, Near tore his eyes away and fixed his gaze at a point just above L's shoulder.

"Are you sure you're alright?"  
"Yeah," Near answered almost breathlessly, and L shot him a 'I-don't-believe-you-but-I'll-give-you-the-benefit-of-the-doubt' look before nodding and standing.

"Alright… but I want you to go to bed early and take the day off tomorrow," L said softly.  
Near nodded and went back to staring blankly at the computer screen, thoughts racing, as L watched him intently for a moment and then walked away.

Near was, of course, more than capable of putting two and two together.

But for some reason, he kept coming up with fifteen as the answer.

* * *

_Moonlight hitting broad, pale shoulders, hot breath against his ear, a hand cupping his cheek, calloused thumb smoothing over his lips gently…_

Near woke trembling, once more because of the impact of his dream. He reflected on what he'd seen. It hadn't been a woman, Near decided, for the hand was too large and the shoulders too broad; and the aura he felt coming from the other figure simply screamed masculinity and a sense of power.

Near pondered this, slightly startled by this revelation; he'd never given the matter much thought, and he'd never let himself foster prejudices of any kind, but it would always be a surprising thought, he decided, to suddenly find out you have dreams about other guys. Especially if you don't know who it is.

Looking over at his clock, Near realized it was past lunchtime, and his stomach growled in support of the thought. Slipping out from under his blankets, he showered, brushed his hair (though it never changed a thing) and got dressed (in more of his signature white pajamas and headed downstairs.

"I heard him moaning in his sleep last night like he was dying or something."

Near halted and glanced at the speaker; Matsuda, Ukita, and L were talking about something. He only heard that part clearly, but he managed to also pick out "sick", "hasn't been talking much", and "maybe it's the stress" from the soft murmurings coming from their direction.

Holding back anger at the thought of having L, of all people, gossiping about him, Near turned on his heel and made for the elevator in a flurry of motion that caught the three males' eyes.

"Near, wait," L called softly, but Near ignored him and pressed the button for his floor. Slumping against the side of the elevator, he watched the numbers go up until he neared his own floor.

'_That was so--' _Near thought.

".Childish of you."'

Near looked up, realizing the elevator had given off its signature 'ding' and the doors had opened, only to reveal L standing in front of him. Entering the elevator and closing the doors, L drew closer and crouched in front of Near silently. Chewing on his thumb, he blinked owlishly at the smaller male before him.

"…Yes?" Near replied, both confirming L's statement, and questioning what L wanted.  
Near jumped, as did L, when the power suddenly went out; the back-up power came on almost immediately, the faint white light flickering on to replace the previous darkness, striking L in a way that seemed to make his skin glow.

Transfixed, Near felt like reaching out to touch the detective; he resisted, and glanced into L's eyes. Finding that he couldn't look away, he felt his pulse speed up (along with his breathing) seemingly of its own accord, his face flushing slightly as L drew closer. Mentally, he chalked it up to the unusual invasion of his personal bubble.

He could feel L's breath, warm against his cheek, and L murmured "Are you alright?" ever-so-softly.  
Near replied with 'yes' a little too quickly; L studied him a moment before standing and moving to the panel of buttons within the elevator.  
Holding one of the buttons, L spoke into a small microphone in the side of the elevator.

"Could someone turn the power back on, please? I rather dislike being in elevators when the door won't open."

After a few moments (during which Near managed to regain his composure) The lights brightened and seemed blinding; the elevator 'dinged' again and the doors opened.

Near left the elevator, but before he could walk away, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning to L questioningly, Near blinked at the touch.

"We weren't talking about you, Near."

"What…?" Near replied, wondering who they had been talking about, if not him.

"We were talking about a new… ah… development in the case."

"Development, as in..?"

"We took Light Yagami and Misa Amane into custody last night, and they are being observed."

This was news to Near, but he reasoned that it was his own fault for not knowing, and that this was obviously big enough that no one could be spared to tell him right away.

"I'll send Watari with something to eat, I'm sure you're hungry, to say the least."

Near's stomach gurgled as if in agreement, and he looked away sheepishly.

"It's fine, I--"

"Near, I am sending him whether you deem it necessary or not," L said sharply.

"Just because you think you're not as important as others, doesn't mean you don't deserve kindness. You don't seem to understand how many people think highly of you."

L returned to the elevator, the double-doors seeming to swallow him, leaving a shocked Near in his wake.

* * *

_Hope you enjoyed that chapter!_

_Check out the band Paramore if you haven't already, it's really good._

_Oh, and_ Sleepless Nights_ by Faber Drive, and_ Fall For You _by SecondHand Serenade… :D_

_Review, please~_


	3. Of Knives and Betrayals

Chapter 2:

Of Knives and Betrayals

"_I knew I hadn't any choice, hushed my voice, did what any girl would do._" -Marry me by Emilie Autumn.

Near awoke from what was, for once, a dreamless sleep. But he didn't like what he found when he did.  
He woke to his hands and ankles hurting, because they were bound too tightly, and his left arm feeling so painful that he suspected inch-long needles were stabbing it all over, even in his fingers. Cold, sharp metal suddenly came to rest against his neck, moving to caress his cheek. The sense of touch was vivid, and Near realized he couldn't see; a scratchy feeling over his eyelids told him he had been blindfolded.

"Ah, you're awake," said a voice to his right. Moving his head to face the voice, desperately wishing he could see, Near's thoughts flat-lined, the situation seeming surreal.

"Shhh, don't worry, my lovely little toy," said the voice.

"I'll kill you soon enough, and it'll all be over."

Near felt his heart surge up into his throat, felt like it was choking him; his breath was ragged with fear, and his heart was beating so furiously he thought it might burst.

"Oh, not yet, my little sheep," said his captor. "I won't kill you yet. I want to leave a thoroughly bloody painting for your friends, after all."

The voice was sickly sweet, high-pitched with the half-escaped giggle of a madman.

'Oh god,' Near thought. 'I won't make it this time… No, I mustn't think like that! L will find me… he has to!'

He felt the bottoms to his pajamas drop to the floor, his boxers following. Near bit his bottom lip, trying not to cry.

And then there was pain. It went on for quite a while; then there was a sticky warmth between his legs and the pain stopped, at least for the moment, and Near barely made any noise as he sobbed.

And then, it was worse. More pain, even more intense; and he gave a strangled scream that choked off into a yelp, muffled by his captor's fingers.

"Much as I like to hear you sing, you're my sheep," He said sadistically. "Sheep don't sing, hmm? So be quiet or that knife will go for your tongue."  
Near realized, though his thoughts were feeble and quick to die, that his captor couldn't be using a very sharp knife, nor a very long one; otherwise he would die from it, especially if it tore out his insides…

Another sharp twist from the knife, and he forced himself not to scream again, sobbing even more brokenly as an alternative, as he endured what was only the beginning of his torture.

Finally, his captor removed the knife and stroked Near's cheek with it almost lovingly, fingering the hated collar (much like a shackle, which Near hadn't noticed before) that connected Near to a small pole. The chain-- his leash-- couldn't be very long.

"My little sheep," The man said, licking the blood off Near's cheek, causing him to whimper quietly and shudder in fear.

"Do you want to die yet?" Near forced back a smart reply and shook his head minutely; he wanted to make it through. As long as there was hope that someone might find him…

"Good. I'll enjoy making you want it," his captor said. "You'll soon find that death seems the sweetest thing you'll ever think of," he whispered, forcing Near to lay on the ground instead of remaining on all fours.

Tying him further-- so that Near's hands were above his head and he was unable to move-- the rapist picked up something, judging from the rustling sounds. Then a long whip, with knots and shards of glass in it, struck his back and dug in, shredding the flesh it collided with, the impact having the would-be-killer's full weight behind it. The whip fell again and again, and Near soon grew numb to the pain, almost passing out, but hanging on through sheer faith that he would be saved.

Near couldn't help but let out a scream, when what felt like a pot of scalding water was carelessly dumped onto the freshly-made wounds on his back.  
Then there was a bang, much like a door slamming open, and a familiar voice screamed for someone to 'get away from the boy'. Near felt a foot dig into his burned, shredded flesh, and screamed until his voice grew hoarse as three gunshots sounded; the knife his captor had held fell to the ground with a clatter, and a thump behind him (accompanied by curses) told him that his attacker was behind him, on the floor. Everything else was a blur as he felt his pants being tugged up hurriedly, and he was swept into someone's arms, the pain of it making him writhe and cry even harder in their grip.

He didn't remember passing out.

* * *

When Near woke up again, he felt overly sluggish; he was in a remarkably warm, safe-feeling bed, he realized dimly. He didn't feel any pain, and he saw L sitting beside him, looking worried and relieved all at once; Mello and Matt were on his other side.  
Laughing hollowly, he tried to focus on Mello's face.  
"F'Mello's 'ere, 'must be dead," He slurred. "So 'e can gloat…"

"'ven't sheen yhou inna while," he mumbled. Mello looked similar to Near's memory of the blonde in Whammy's. "You loo'like'a girl," He commented. "Flat-shested ghirl."

He hated the way his tongue felt thick in his mouth, how he could barely think straight. Though, apparently he was amusing, for Mello tousled his hair affectionately.

"Where'm I?" Near asked, only a little more coherent, glancing around.

"A hospital," L said softly.

With these dread words, Near sat quickly; he froze, gritting his teeth at the sharp stab of pain that the motion resulted in. However, he refused to lay back down.

"You know I _hate_ hosphitals," he managed venomously, despairingly, accusingly.

"M'llo, M'tt, yhou two know, tew… yhou could'a _told_ him not to…"

All three of them looked a little sorry, and with good reason, Near thought.

"I apologize, Near, but you were in critical condition. You needed professional medical care that none of us can give you," L replied.

"I'm not sure if you know it or not, but that bastard broke your left arm and all your fingers on that hand. Doc says you might never be able to use it properly again, he nearly crushed the bones." Mello said.

"Sho?... amphidextus," he said, mispronouncing it horribly due to his unforgiving slur.

Suddenly, he understood why he wasn't talking clearly.

"Why'm I drugged?" He mumbled desperately, suddenly (and visibly) freaking out. He tried to express how, besides the fact that he was in a hospital, he wasn't able to focus, to think, to speak properly, to do _anything_…

"I cannot do anything about it," L replied.

"I CAN'T THINK, SHPEAK, OR MOVE!" Near yelled shrilly, switching clumsily over to English.

"I CAN'T DO ANYTHING, I'M THE ONE IN HERE! AND YOU, PERFECTLY HEALTHY, SHAY YHOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING? YHOU, THE GREAT L, ALMIGHTY DETECTISH, THE GUY WHO CAN FREAKING SHTARE DOWN KILLERSH CAN'T EVEN TRY TO GET ME OFF THESH DAMN DRUGSH?!"

He shouted unevenly, clearly hurting. His speech was deteriorating steadily, worthy of a third-grade English student.

"'M weak! Always been! 'M premature, 'cause of that 'M worse! But now 'M absholutely powerlesh!"  
Near was starting to hyperventilate, clearly unable to cope; Mello leaned in and hugged him so suddenly that Near froze.

"I'm sorry," the blonde muttered, as he emptied a small syringe into Near's arm.

As he drew back, he saw the look of hurt and betrayal in Near's eyes, and regretted his actions as soon as he noticed the white-haired boy's tears.

"…were my _friend_…" he managed weakly, before sleep overpowered him.

L and Matt pointedly ignored Mello for the rest of the day.

* * *

When Near woke up again and found the three of them were there, he felt upset, yet forgiving. It was in his nature to forgive.

But then, he realized something. Looking at L questioningly, he watched as the detective blinked back at him, his mind registering quite a bit of pain.

"I convinced them not to drug you…"

"Thank you," Near replied, smiling ever-so-slightly.

"What's the date?" He asked softly.

"The twelfth," Mello replied.

That would mean… a full week after that bastard…?

Remembering something, Near turned to Mello.

"I'm sorry for what I said, after… You had every right to knock me out. I was way out of line. But I'd truly appreciate it if you never, ever did that again. Just… just threaten me with it next time."

Mello lay his hand on Near's, smiling; at least, until Near jerked his hand back out of reflex.

"I'm glad I didn't hurt you…"

"Speaking of hurt," Interjected Near, "How am I, from the doc's point of view?"

"Well on your way to recovery, despite how serious your injuries were, cast and all. By the way, do you mind if I sign it?"

"Us too!" Matt chimed in.

"Only if you two stay with me-- in my floor, that is, if it's alright with you and L-- for a few days so we can catch up before you disappear again," Near said, frowning at 'disappear'.

"It's fine with me," L replied, after giving Near a curious look.

"Can we, Mello? Huh? Huh? Can we?"

The blonde acted as if he really had to think it over. And, in truth, he kind of did.

"Well… Hmmph. Fine, I suppose the guys can wait a few more days," Mello said.

"But if they go soft while I'm gone…"

Near smiled wickedly.

"Huh, with that get-up, they'd be as hard as you want given you're in the same room," He said; he blinked twice, and realized he'd actually said what he had been thinking.  
Matt stared at the white-haired boy; Matt and L joined in the staring, before the three of them shared a glance and started laughing. (Well, to the extent that they ever did laugh, that is. Meaning a soft chuckle or two.)

"Y'know, Mello, he's right. I mean, almost all of them have a crush on you… So, who've you been cheating with?" Matt said it so good-naturedly that it was clearly an empty accusation, and that he didn't truly believe what he said.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, Matt. I wouldn't cheat on you, damnit."

As if to further show how important Mello thought it was for Matt to believe him, the blonde leaned over and kissed him. They clearly only stopped because it'd be making out in front of Near and L, both of whom were single, and not because they were in a hospital.

"Well, now, When'd this happen?" Near asked; Matt moved his chair closer to Mello's, and they were now holding hands.

"Little bit after I hooked up with the Mafia--," Mello said; he'd hesitated halfway through saying 'Mafia', but then finished it decisively.

"Oh, how the mighty have fallen-- but if you're not the ringleader for the whole of the Mafia, I'll have to slap you. A possible successor for L should be able to do that, at _least_, by this time."

Mello grinned. "Well, it wasn't completely easy… But I am."

"Still… the _Mafia_, Mello…"

"I wouldn't be too quick to offer judgment, Near," L began. "The Mafia is the only reason you were found before your attacker managed to hurt you even more."

This was the first time they'd brought up what had happened, and the closest thing to mentioning what had been done. Near visibly flinched, and a type of serious gloom seemed to fall over him.

"Oh?" He replied, almost-- _almost_-- jovially.

"My boys told me there was a nutcase-- one, so it wasn't very important-- trying to move in on our turf. I took Matt and one of the guys to come take care of it with me. When we were about to storm in, we heard a scream- it felt like death was hovering over my shoulder, warning me. So I changed our P.O.A-- plan of attack-- and went in quiet-like to find the bastard pouring boiling water on your back. Worst thing I'd ever seen-- he stomped on you after, so I told my boy to leave you be and gave the bastard a bullet between his legs, Matt'n the guy we brought took out his legs. He fell over, 'course. So I hurried over and picked you up, Matt 'wired a car, and my boy called over some help to 'clean up'- a.k.a, beat the shit outta the bastard. 'Cause friends of mine, are friends of my boys. Apparently I'm the most trustworthy guy they've had as a leader, so they don't take kindly to my friends being hurt. So, needless to say, he's living through the hell he gave you, and then he'll be put through more hell until he dies his, ah, relatively natural death."

Near's expression darkened, and sitting up sharply, his features twisted.

"Call them off_._"

Mello blinked.

"Call. Them. _Off."_

"….What?"

"I won't have you do that. Is he still the way he was when you found me?"

"No."

"Then kill him, as painlessly as your boys can bear to kill him."

"Matt," Mello said softly, his gaze still on Near. The redhead nodded and whipped out his cellphone.

"He doesn't deserve your mercy, Near."

"I know. That's why I'm doing it. I won't sink to his level."

Mello saw him in a different light, then; and as a gunshot was heard through Matt's cellphone, Mello prayed silently; prayed that Near, the rival that always bettered him, the rival that he was so bitter towards in his youth… Mello prayed that Near would make it through this, and that he wouldn't have to suffer through something like this again.

Unknown to any of the others, Near prayed for the same, deep in his subconscious.

Another week came and went, and for a few days before Near was let out, Matt and Mello didn't show- mainly because they had to get some of their stuff and get used to the 'base of operations' that L and Near occupied, along with some of the task force (Light and Misa, too, even though they were still in observation).

Still, Near didn't mind that the other two males didn't show much; it was nice to be alone with L, even if they didn't make a whole lot of conversation.

No, the way L felt could be portrayed in his eyes when he wasn't guarding himself against the world at large; and Near felt special, somehow, to be able to have those glimpses into L's soul, though they were little and few in between and gave little information.

After all, it's the thought that counts.

* * *

_Okay… so yeah, that's another chapter out. :3_

_But I have to let you all know, I've only got a page of the next chapter done in my notebook. That's very little compared to how much I want to write. After all, I want to hit ten thousand words before my story is over. I'm going to have to step it up, a lot. So bear with me as I write out the next few chapters, 'cause it's going to take longer than you're used to from me. Especially since I'm now declared 'sick'; stuffy nose, sneezing, coughing, and near-puking. Yeah, it's lovely, ain't it?_

_So yeah, I hope you all enjoyed that chapter, and have no fear-- Near is here, and there'll be more out soon._

_Love,_

_Rianne-ennaiR_

_P.S._

_Reviews are always welcome~ They'd definitely make me feel less sick. x3_


	4. Of Realizations and UnReality

**Chapter 3:**

**Of Realizations and un-Reality**

A soft sigh, accompanied with the tapping of a pencil against a desk.

"Why does he even want me to start a diary?"

Near stared idly at the paper he was supposed to write on.

"It's not like anything really happened to… to hurt me."

He contemplated this, before frowning.

"Well… okay, I was hurt. But it's not like… like I'm traumatized. Or… like I'm affected by it all that much…"

Another sigh, and the pencil stops tapping.

"But… I am, aren't I? I mean… I'm still not working. I'm troubled by thoughts-- thoughts of him… Why does that memory still plague me?"

The pencil starts tapping again.

"I mean, all he did was rape me--"

Unbidden, the memory started up again in front of his eyes; blackness, and pain; friction, and finally, warmth that felt dirty and cold running down his thighs… and then, Near stood, made his way to his bathroom, and managed to puke in the toilet (for once not getting it on the floor). He was shuddering terribly, and the full force of the memory, of the incident, finally hit him. He had kept it out, blocked it out, forcing himself to take it lightly, until he was safe enough to mourn.

And now, finally able to do it, he wept without pause: he cried for what that monster had done to him, for the loss of his innocence (now that it was gone, it seemed so important). He cried for the fact that this world was so merciless and uncaring that this happened to so many people so many times that the public was almost desensitized, no longer appalled by the fact when they hear it on the news. He cried for the pain that this world gave him, gave and will give to everyone else. He cried for the fact that very few ever know happiness, and that when they do it is often shattered before too long. He cried for all those that killed themselves because everyone around them was blind to how they felt, deaf to their pleas; and for those that did the same simply because when they were heard and seen, no one had cared.

And when his tears ceased, he found that he, too, was alone- even if Mello, Matt, and L cared, and didn't want to lose him. This brought him little to no comfort; so when his tears were gone, he wished. He wished that things could change; he wished that he could go back in time and avoid having gone outside that day; he wished he could have been stronger and run when his attacker kidnapped him outside a store in the middle of that crowd. He wished that, if _he_ couldn't have happiness, at least maybe others wouldn't have to feel pain; and when there were no more tears, no more wishes, and no more hope, he stood. Drying his eyes and inhaling deeply, feeling empty, he flushed the toilet to avoid gagging again at the stench; then, returning to his desk, he sat in the straight-backed chair in front of it. Taking the pencil in his right hand, he smiled brokenly, thankful that Mello, Matt, and L weren't around. Thankful that they had, all three of them, gone to the store, and that he hadn't gone with them.

He gazed upon the blank paper, the expression on his face becoming just as featureless; and with a trembling hand, he wrote ten words, and ten words alone. He wrote in English, printing it almost illegibly because of how badly his hand shook; each letter was tall enough to take up two lines of the eight by eleven lined papers the notebook contained. He had previously written the date, in tiny, precise Japanese in a corner; in comparison, it was clear something had changed.

He dropped the pencil haphazardly upon the page; he stood once more, almost listlessly, and walked away. He headed for L's room, for he heard three males (two of them keeping up a somewhat halted conversation, the third chiming in only a few times) and the elevator start up. He may have been on his floor, but by sitting in that spot he could hear things even through the thick metal of the elevator.

Left behind, the notebook sat forlornly on the desk, looking quite discarded and lonely.

In large, unsteadily printed English, (it was definitely slanted towards the bottom of the page, almost diagonal) it read:

"You never know what you have until it's gone."

* * *

After a somewhat stimulating conversation with L, Matt, and Mello (during which he managed to keep his emotions reigned in and almost invisible) Near bade them all goodnight and went to bed early. It was clear to him that they had noticed something wasn't right, but none of them had called him on it; perhaps they weren't sure what it was; or perhaps they weren't used to him putting his shields up again.

'Oh well,' he thought. 'They would have to see me do it sometime.'

Each day had begun to feel longer and longer, like it stretched on forever and he felt like he had nothing to do. He sat on his bed idly, and then finally lay down and slept, his thoughts rather blank.

Even though he had, indeed, cleared his mind successfully (having had very little thought in the first place) Near had another of his dreams, and for once, he welcomed it wholeheartedly- because, even if it made him feel dirty (now that he had already lost his virginity, it constantly reminded him that he dreamed about nothing but sex, and made him feel, quite thoroughly, like a whore) it kept his mind from darker, more painful things.

…_Smoothing over his lips gently, before leaning in to kiss him, ever-so tenderly… Near smelled strawberries on the other's breath, heard a strangely familiar voice say "I love you, Nate." The male atop him shifted slightly, his face becoming illuminated by a stray shaft of moonlight… Near recognized him at once, felt his heart break at the sight of L; but at the same time, he couldn't help but pull the older male close, kissing him and then echoing L's sort-of declaration, confirming the budding emotion in his chest… the emotion that felt too real, too pure to ever come from him, such a tainted, unworthiest boy, feeling ready to cry from the pure happiness of the moment…_

_And then L disappeared, his eyes covered by a hand that was not L's; the hated voice of his attacker filled his ears, once more proclaimed him a sheep, and asked him not to sing… _

_Near screamed and tried to push the man away, writhing desperately, heart feeling as though it might burst from its fevered, frantic beating…_

"_Wake up!" His attacker snarled anxiously, gripping Near's shoulders tightly, but Near didn't understand, and kept screaming--_

"NEAR! Calm the FUCK down!" An impatient, worried voice, yelling in his ear--

Near's eyes snapped open and his scream died almost instantly, his breath becoming ragged. He trembled and he felt an icy sweat on the back of his neck as he looked around to see Matt and Mello on either side of him, standing beside his bed; both looked anxious and worried, and Matt seemed rather ready to try and hold him (perhaps to comfort him) even as he stepped back a pace, relief written over his face.

'Does Matt not like hearing people scream…?' Near thought pensively, before feeling the now-familiar sensation of moisture starting to flood his mouth-- the only warning sign he got before he had to force himself to jump out of his bed and head straight for his bathroom, retching and feeling a burning sensation as he vomited, only a few seconds after he managed to kneel in front of the toilet.

Clutching the toilet bowl so hard that his knuckles turned white, he shivered as he continued to surrender himself to the force of the heaving of his stomach; he didn't much care to stop, as it was disgusting enough without the effort of stopping it.

He felt a warm hand gently rub circles on his back as someone else held a bit of hair out of the way-- when did his hair get that long?-- and slowly the heaves faded. He started gulping down air to steady himself and ensure it was over, before shakily standing, wiping his mouth, and flushing the toilet.

He continued to ignore whoever else was there, brushing his teeth to get the taste out of his mouth. When he finished, he exhaled shakily, gripping the counter just as hard as he had the toilet.

Two pairs of arms wrapped around him slowly, comfortingly; he visibly started to jerk away, and it could be felt how tense he was; but whoever was holding him didn't let go.

He looked up to see Mello and Matt both holding him, sad expressions on their faces, and he froze seeing how badly they needed to try and help, if only to soothe their own consciences (or so he thought). Forcing himself to relax, he leaned into them slowly, almost as if he was afraid, and allowed them to try their best to comfort him.

They stayed with him into the tired hours of the morning; and when they left, Near felt that he missed them. He smiled once more, albeit hollowly, when he realized that more than their presence, he missed their touch- and only because, even if he disliked being touched, that they weren't that… man. That man, who- for whatever reason- had decided that he deserved to be hurt, to be broken…

Near returned to his desk, and sat before his diary. He knew he wouldn't sleep anyway, so he might as well write down a few words to satisfy L.

His pencil was now off to the side, and his diary closed; Near sighed, knowing it would be read sometime.

Opening it and writing the date in flawlessly precise, neat figures, he found himself almost obsessive that it should be neat. Neat, tidy, clean. Because even though he wasn't, no one had to know he wasn't. No one had to know how unclean he really was. If he didn't show them, they wouldn't know. They would forget.

Near tended to be almost obsessive with everything he did, albeit subtly, and he tried his best to hide it. However, now he was taking it to an extreme, though he didn't realize it just yet.

In perfect, tiny characters, he wrote that he had a nightmare. He'd woken up and went back to sleep after a short time. He didn't add anything else, only that he planned to clean his room. Then he closed the book, put his mechanical pencil next to it, and took a few steps away from his desk to survey his room.

'The carpet could use some cleaning, but that can wait until later. I don't want to wake anyone. My bed is a horrible mess, though. And I should clean the bathroom, too, and take a shower.'

So Near tore the sheets off of his bed (which really wasn't that messy at all, except his covers were turned down) and re-made his bed. When he was done, it could rival a bed in a commercial easily-- he smoothed out miniscule wrinkles that didn't matter, and then turned on his closet, rearranging everything so that it was all in order according to shape, size, and type of object it was. He then made a mental note to throw out some of his toys, for they were completely unimportant. Moving on to his bookshelf, he rearranged it all by genre, then by alphabetical order, by the release date, and then by size.

Having done the main part of his room as best as he could at the moment, Near looked around and still saw multiple flaws. Anyone else would see a room so spotless they might doubt that anyone owned it.

Moving on to the bathroom, Near poured out some disinfectant- the smell of it making him wrinkle his nose- and washed the sink, counter, toilet, and bathtub all by hand, with nothing but a cloth to help him (except a toilet-bowl brush for the toilet).

When he finished this, he reorganized the medicine cabinet, the cupboard under the sink, and the shampoos near the bathtub. As soon as he finished this, he nodded, and locked the door before stripping and folding his clothes neatly, placing them in a tidy pile on the counter.

Stepping into the bathtub and drawing the shower curtains closed, Near stood idly for about a minute, feeling empty and blank as he finally reached out to the faucet and turned the water on, twisting the hot water knob as far as it would go. He turned on the showerhead and hissed as the searing heat enveloped him; but he stood still and endured it, not allowing himself to move.

'Hot water kills bacteria,' he thought faintly, his logic clearly flawed, as he didn't specify what he thought it might do for him, to clean himself through nearly scalding his skin.

After the burning heat became almost normal, Near reached for a lilac-scented bottle of shampoo, and used nearly half of it at once, washing his hair furiously. He made sure every drop of the sudsy liquid had been turned into a bubble and rinsed out, and then stood still for a minute, the heat making him feel rather dizzy. After a few seconds, he felt better; and then reached for the conditioner, repeating his earlier display of despise for dirtiness. Once he had rinsed his hair out to the point that there wasn't a single bit of residue, he reached for the soap.

What was a full bar of the stuff shortly became a thin sliver of soap as he scrubbed so fiercely that it hurt even more than the heat; and when he had finished, he stood still, once more dizzy to the point of either letting the wall help hold him up or letting himself fall.

Turning the hot water off, Near ran the cold water for a second; just to cool himself off; and, teeth chattering, he turned that off too, stepping out of the shower and unlocking the door, taking his dirty clothes and placing them neatly within his clothes hamper, which he now stored in the closet.

Drying off with a towel, he frowned and put on some clean underwear, dark gray jeans, a black long-sleeved shirt, and a dark gray, short-sleeved shirt, and a pair of black sneakers. He then took a look at himself in the mirror, uncomfortable wearing these clothes that he'd never looked twice at before. Forcing himself to ignore the strange scratchiness of his shirts, the strange way his jeans fitted him, being hip-huggers (though where they started was hidden by his shirt unless he put his arms straight up in the air), and the uncomfortable tightness of his sneakers (he wore them to keep from becoming even more dirty), Near nodded slowly.

He should dye his hair black, too. 'Or at least a darker color,' he decided. White… white wasn't right. He didn't deserve to be able to wear white. 'White… white symbolizes pureness, the lack of taint… it symbolizes innocence. I am none of those things.'

Following that train of thought, he snuck downstairs into Misa's new floor, and stole some black hair dye. He returned to his own room and began the long process of dying it, irritated that it took another two sessions with the hair dye to turn his hair black. Halfway through he accidentally used brown hair dye, so he ended up with very dark-brown hair, which was good enough for him.

Near exhaled, still feeling unclean despite his terribly long and almost obsessive shower. Shaking his head, he decided he'd have another later on; his hair dye was nearly permanent, it wouldn't come out any time soon. He'd even done his eyebrows, he remembered, and for a moment he thought maybe he'd gotten some black under his eyes, before realizing it was just from lack of recent sleep.

Returning to his desk, he added a three-word sentence to his diary, once more placing his pencil to the side and closing his diary neatly, before leaving his floor and going to the kitchen for breakfast (no, lunch) without being stopped or noticed by Mello or Matt (who were probably already downstairs).

The cryptic comment he'd added read "Black as sin."

As he waited for the elevator, he thought of only one thing.

'I am as dirty as the black I wear, for black symbolizes sin, mourning, and pain. I am all of those, whether the sin was mine or someone else's, forced upon me. For I did nothing to stop it, and that is my own sin.'

* * *

Near walked with his back straight, like any other person, and when he stepped into the first-floor kitchen, all of his usual habits and gestures obliterated along with his former appearance, there was a crash as a glass fell and smashed to the floor. No one noticed it, though, for the four occupants (Misa, L, Matt, and Mello) were all busy staring at Near.

Misa, who didn't know what he was _supposed_ to look like, ran over to him, hugging him tight against his chest suddenly and squealing.

"He's so cute~!!!" She yell-squealed, dragging him over to the table. Or at least, she started to, until he smoothly dropped out of her arms and into a crouch as soon as he saw an opening; standing up again and side-stepping her, he headed for the fridge, stepping over the broken shards of glass, which crunched beneath his sneakers.

Grabbing a hot pocket, he put it in the microwave and pressed the buttons, starting it and discretely wiping his fingers on his jeans.

He stared intently at the microwave, and when it went off, he took the food he'd heated, and started to leave again, when Mello found his voice.

"Near, what the hell did you do to your hair!? And why are you wearing that!?"

"I dyed it, and pajamas are made to sleep in," he replied smoothly, without looking back, before starting to leave (once again). He then heard another voice, this one making him turn around to gaze at the speaker-- great, infamous L.

"Near… are you alright?"

Near could hear the carefully concealed concern, and smiled ever-so-faintly.

"I thought I would look good with dark hair, that's all."

Near left, then, before he could get halted again, and frowned.

Even though he was unclean, even though L would likely never return his feelings, Near had blushed when he met L's gaze.

And that irritated him to no end.

* * *

_Alright! So, that was my chapter for today. Sorry it took so long, I've gotten worse-- I've almost completely lost my voice, and I threw up today. Eyuck._

_Also, I've convinced _Dreaming-of-a-Nightmare _to finish our co-joined Naruto fanfiction on the joint account _To-Kill-A-Poet_. So, you who have read it will finally get an ending for our most likely 60,000 word fanfiction (once updated)._

_Hope you enjoyed that chapter of _Falling Short-- _Which has hit _10,023_ words! More shall come, I promise-- all I ask of you is a review! :D_

_And now, to answer a few reviews. ^_^_

**The Philospher's Queen**_- Why thank you! I'm glad you enjoy my writing. :3_

**Obsessive Rainbow Stalker**_- Unfortunately, Near's still a bit silly about that. Understandably, seeing what happened. ^_^;;_

_But I hope I can make him feel better soon. Torturing him is fun, but reading him being all emoshizz sucks, even if it's fun to write. ^_^;;_

**butterfly1415**_- Why thank you~! I must admit, that was my first time writing a rape scene, so I'm glad you enjoyed it. ^_^_

_I hope that my less-fast-than-normal update didn't disappoint you~!_

**NejiIsMineXD**_- x3 Yeah, Near being drugged would be way funny compared to his normal composed appearance. ^_^_

_I'm glad you like the way I write! And I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and will enjoy the next ones!_

**Hentai-Otaku**_- Confusing because it didn't say where and when the kidnapping happened? That was partially a plot hole, at first, and then I turned it into a suspenseful detail. But shh! Don't tell anyone! ;3_

_And I would have typed that much, but I doubt I want my fingers to do that. :O_

**Ravens Bane**_- Why thank you! I always find it so hard to make the plot-lines perfect, so I dedicated six whole pages, front and back, to planning out everyone's motives. I don't plan out the chapters, though, so I'm really just winging it. But shh! Everyone thinks I'm all planner-ific and badass, don't ruin the image. XD_

_But yeah... I apologize for them being OOC, but sometimes you have to make them a little OOC in order for the situation to work. Besides, this AU, silly. That means they can be a little OOC, riiiight? -puppy dog eyes-_

_Alright, that's all for now-- remember to click the 'review' button so the next chapter appears! X3_


	5. Of Hurt and Moonlight

_Wow. Just… wow. Double wow._

_I looked at the reviews and saw three more, already! So I was like, hoshizz! And because of how cool they are, you get a big hug and a cookie_, Mini Muffin Jenko Chan, NejiIsMineXD, _and _Hentai-Otaku_! _

_Okay. Review time~_

**Mini Muffin Jenko Chan: **x3 Yeah, I was thinking about making it a bit longer… it does seem a little rushed and sloppy. I might do a quick re-write of that chapter just to give it a bit more length.

But I'm glad you liked how I put in the M+M double comfort attempt, and I'm also glad he's in character. I'm usually making everyone act as out of character as Light would be if he skipped around picking daises and giving out free candies to criminals. ^_^

And yeah, apparently I'm good at making characters distant and rape-scene-victim-ish. ^_^

**Hentai-Otaku:** Oohh~ I'll have to listen to it too, then, and see how it sounds~, x3! Thanks for the review ;3

**NejiIsMineXD:** Ahahaha, I'm glad you liked his new look ^_^ (I liked the whole drop-glass idea, too x3)

I'm also glad you like his diary. 3 I'm just pro like that, huh? X3

_The song I quote is _Half Alive_ by Secondhand Serenade._

_So: without further ado, let's get back on track! Enjoy the chapter, folks!_

* * *

**Chapter 4:**

**Of Hurt and Moonlight**

_Rap, rap, rap!_

'Sounds like someone knocking on a door…' Near thought faintly.

_RAP, RAP, RAP!_

"Oh, leave me alone…" The reply was a whisper, and Near tried to roll over. He met a solid wall, and groaned softly, as the annoyingly loud knock continued, growing more frantic with each second, a voice accompanying it.

"Near! It's me, Mello! Open up!"

Near let his whereabouts trickle into his mind; he'd been coughing much too hard, and blood had dripped from his hands… he'd fallen and hit his head off the bathtub, providing his reason for blacking out (other than the blood, which now had dried at the corner of his mouth and on the floor. Shaking his head, he frowned.

"Just a minute," He called. He hurriedly cleaned up the blood and hid the cloth he'd used, washed his hands and rinsed out the sink, and then unlocked the bathroom door.

"Are you okay?" Mello asked, worried about the albino boy (even if his hair was dark now, that didn't change his nature). He had disappeared for most of the day, and he hadn't answered at first when he'd knocked on the bathroom door. It was eerily quiet…

"I am fine." Near replied monotonously, concealing what had happened. "I fell asleep in the bathroom."

Mello raised an eye; he hurriedly added, "I didn't sleep much last night, and I grew tired."

The blonde frowned and nodded, accepting (albeit grudgingly) that this was an acceptable excuse, though a very poor one.

"You can tell us if there's anything wrong, you know…"

"Understood. But there is nothing to say."

Mello frowned even more; and then, sighing, he turned to leave.

"Oh-- L wants to see you, as soon as possible, in his room."

"His… room?"

"Room, floor, whatever." Mello gave a little exasperated snort and left, clearly still worried about the other boy.

So, Near-- who promptly decided that this name was unacceptable-- put on his shoes and went to visit L.

As he went, he tried to decide on his new 'name'. He wanted something simple, but something just as tainted as he was; And he almost automatically thought of the name Nero. It was the name of a Roman Emperor that had a rather dark reputation (the deaths of his mother and brother, earning him the title of the Emperor who twiddled his thumbs as Rome burned), and yet his reign was mostly associated with extravagance and only some tyranny, including the executions of said mother and adoptive brother, and the early prosecution of Christians. Few ever portrayed him favorably, but he was said to have been popular with the Romans, especially those in the East. Nero was also a Latin name, meaning primarily "dark" or "dark-haired" boy. It was also similar to the alias he used previously; and so, Near decided to be known as Nero, though he knew that Near would never truly disappear. What he didn't know was that in his haste to destroy all evidence that such a pathetic, tainted boy had ever existed, he also ridded himself of his innocent nature, and his kind (if difficult to express) ways.

When he reached L's floor, he was surprised to see L standing there, waiting for him. Near-- no, Nero-- paused and raised an eyebrow coolly.

"Mello said you want to see me."

L nodded and gestured to the chairs; Nero glanced at them and mentally chose the armchair similar to L's usual spot. Sitting in it like a normal person, he ignored the urge to kick off his shoes and lift one of his legs onto the chair with him.

L crouched in his own chair, gazing at Nero calmly.

"Your diary was open a few days ago," He said calmly.

"I took the liberty of reading it… and I must admit that I have grown worried. I know you must not appreciate everyone asking this all the time, but I must know if you are alright."

Nero exhaled loudly through his nose, almost derisively.

"Yes. I am perfectly fine, thank you _so_ very much for asking."

He barely believed his boldness and rude words, and it pained him to know he had just said them to L, of all people- but he knew he must retreat from contact with others, even if he didn't know why he must.

"Near, that was quite uncalled for."

"It's not Near anymore, L. It's Nero."

L blinked once, rather owlishly, and surveyed Near calmly.

"No, no it is not. I do not believe that name does you justice, and it is bad enough that you have changed your appearance so drastically. You're affected by this even more than I thought… and I will not let it continue. I will not allow you to change your name, and I demand that you wear your normal attire, as well as your usual hairstyle!"

Nero's eyes narrowed, and he glared at L as he stood.

"You will _not_ command me to do _anything,_ you bastard! If I'm hurting as much as you think I am, then maybe it would be smarter to try and _console_ me instead of trying to exert power over me, especially since power is exactly the reason you called me here. An issue of strength, of power? A battle? If that's what you wanted, L, I hope you're happy- because now, that's what you have."

Nero stood and turned on his heel, leaving quietly; he didn't even slam the door. He wished he could take back those words, those horrible words, spoken in anger and defiance-- but he couldn't.

L, ashamed of himself for causing even more damage, wished the smaller male _would_ have slammed the door.

* * *

Mello watched Near go by silently, a frown marring his features. The blonde bit the inside of his cheek, before quietly following and catching up to him.

"Near, are you-"

"It's Nero, and I'm fine."

Nero brushed off the blonde and returned to his bedroom, sitting in front of his diary. Something told him it hadn't been touched lately, other than by himself.

So, he opened the small, leather-bound book to the last page that had been written in. He wrote the date, again striving for perfection; and then he began to write. He'd simply tear the pages out later, but he had to give voice to his feelings. That's what this diary was for-- that's what L wanted.

And if L wanted him to open up to something, he'd bloody well see what Nero felt.

And then he'd be bloody sorry he'd ever asked.

He began the entry with the words:

"I'll pretend that I don't know this will be read behind my back."

And then he began to write.

_I was brutally raped and beaten, and it was only a few days ago that the reality of it sank in._

_I am tainted-- so I strive for perfection. Why, I do not know. I suppose I feel that if everything I do is perfect, that no one will realize that I am not._

_All my life, I have been told-- over and over-- that I am not the same as those around me. I was told that I am a freak-- that I am cold-- that I am less than they are. I was told that I am less than the dirt they walk on._

_And so I have learned to view myself as such, through simply having it embedded in my mind. Is it my fault? In hindsight, perhaps it was not my fault that I was told such things. But I always believed that it _was_ my fault… _my _fault that I am so _pathetic_._

_But even so, I was lulled into a sense of security that I never should have allowed myself to fall into. I let so many of my walls down…_

_And so it is my fault that I was surprised; that I got separated from L when I went outside with him. I should not have even left the relative safety of my floor; since when did I go outside _Whammy_'s walls? And when did staying inside ever steer me wrong?_

_But there it is: I felt safe. So I went to a store with L. It was rather small, a cozy place that reminded me of the 'home' a classic tale presents you with. Nothing like mine, of course; My father was a merciless drunk and my mother was kind, but rather simple, and though she didn't know much she always tried her best despite our rather low income; she always spent a few dollars buying me books and poetry. Even though father would beat her for it, she would; eventually she stopped because she found out that father almost always burned them, sometimes before I even knew they were there. She would memorize some poems, though, and recite them to me, all the same. Those were the few times I felt safe; as she held me and told me a story or poem and rocked me to sleep. That changed, once father got out of hand. He slapped her so hard that she fell, and hit the counter with her head. There was a lot of blood; She never got up._

_So father was shipped to jail, and I was transplanted to a foster home. This place seemed much more cheerful, and I had much more there. Money, books, toys, puzzles, anything I wished… I thought I should be there forever, happy. But that too was shattered- whatever walls I hadn't made by then were created when the people that took me in were ruthlessly slaughtered; I came home from elementary school to find them lying in their own blood, all three of them. _

_So it is rather stupid of me to have gone out, and worse, to feel safe enough to be lured away by someone with a puzzle. How did he know that I loved puzzles…?  
He looked so much like Matsuda (this was a tremendously stupid mistake on my part) that at first I mistook him as such. But as soon as I realized it wasn't someone I knew, he dragged me into an alley. I can only guess that he hit me with something, for all I remember of it is pain in the back of my head and a loss of consciousness. It felt like I was swimming in a very dark sea…_

_I woke up and was forced to kneel on all fours; there was a shackle around my neck and I was blindfolded. The pain and humiliation I endured at his hands was more than I was able to cope with, as is no doubt visible in the many changes I've undergone in attempts to free myself of his memory-- and then, in an attempt to chain myself to it, to forever remind myself that I am not pure._

_I am as black as sin-- and I therefore do not deserve to wear white. White is the color of purity, of innocence, and of possible perfection. I am none of those. I am black; black as sin. For black symbolizes pain, mourning, death, and yes, aforementioned sin. I am all of those; even if it was not my doing, but someone else's sin forced upon me, I was too pathetic and weak to attempt to stop it; and _that_ is the sin that stains me._

_And I am also impure because I cannot even avoid getting sick. I suspect that I have Tuberculosis; I coughed blood earlier, and passed out when I fell and hit my head. But none of this pain matters. It is only partially mine, now. Most of it is Near's; and by changing my name, by changing my appearance, I change who I am. I am now Nero; and so the pain shall linger in my mind as a reminder of how tainted I have become; but it shall not bother me. I shall force it down if I must: this will not conquer me._

_But most of what is paining me, and will continue to do so (at least until I make it stop) has become my dreams. For weeks before, and even now, after the incident, I have dreamt of a male that I have come to love, to long for with every fiber of my being. I spoke to him rudely and it pains me to have done such a thing; but it is necessary. Isolation can be viewed as harmful to one's health… yet I bore it in Whammy's, with no lasting damage. I can do it again._

_So, I shall defeat him in that his violence towards me shall not consume me with depression and pain… and I shall defeat my desire to be held close, to be loved, for love is painful, and never lasts before it is torn away; and what they say- "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"- it was said by someone that must never have endured the pain of losing those that you rely on, that you love. It is too painful to lose the people that you desire to keep with you forever; the people that you could never dream would leave._

_And after what I have endured… love is too painful. The pain has begun to outweigh the scant traces of happiness that one may experience as a result._

…_Besides… There is no way that L would ever want me now._

Nero closed the diary slowly, and laid the pencil across it. There was only one thing he wanted; and that was for L to never read this newer entry.

But L would read it anyway; and in a way he longed for this outcome as well.

The dark-haired boy sighed and stood; glancing in a mirror, he wished he could go back to white- to wearing only socks, to being relatively happy, to feeling safe.

As if that would ever happen… After all, no one can change the past.

* * *

"And so, I believe that while tea without sugar is considered to be acceptable, it is really much better with at _least_ five cu--" L stopped suddenly in the middle of his sentence to listen to something. Matt and Mello blinked, exchanged a glance, and started to listen as well; A soft voice, singing, was floating up from the floor beneath them. They had to strain to hear it, but when they did the words were clear; and the voice that uttered them- usually so very monotonous- was expressing more emotion than they had ever heard in it before; possibly more than they believed was possible.

"It's four AM, I'm waking up to your perfume

Don't get up, I'll get through, on my own

I don't know if I'm home

Or if I lost the way into your room

I'm spiraling into my doom

I'm feeling half alive but I know one day

You and I will be free,

To live and die by our own rules,

Free..

Despite the fact that men are fools…"

The speaker was obviously so in tune with the song that it hurt to sing it; and yet they sang, and the three males listened on, almost awed at what they were hearing.

"I'm almost alive, and I need you to try

And save me.

It's okay that we're dying,

But I need to survive tonight, tonight.

Well excuse me while I get killed softly,

Heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okay

At least 'til yesterday,

You know you got me off my highest guard,

Believe me when I say it's hard.

We'll get through this tonight

And I know one day you and I will be free

To live and die by our own rules,

Free..

Despite the fact that men are fools.

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try

And save me.

It's okay that we're dying,

But I need to survive tonight, tonight."

L bit his lip as he listened, the raw emotion audible in the singer's voice pulling at his heart uncomfortably. He could tell that it was affecting Mello and Matt as well; and he had to force himself to keep listening. This could reveal much more than was apparent…

"And you touch my hand ever so slightly

(Girl we're not ready for this yet)

And the deadly look she cast upon me

I won't regret, I won't regret

I won't regret. I won't regret...

And I was trying to disappear,

But you got me wrapped around you

I can hardly breathe without you

I was trying to disappear

But I got lost in your eyes now,

You brought me down to size now.

I'm almost alive

And I need you to try and save me.

It's okay that we're dying

But I need to survive tonight, tonight

Tonight...

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try

And save me,

It's okay that we're dying,

But I need to survive tonight, tonight.

I need to survive tonight, tonight…"

The singer's voice choked off as the song ended, and there was silence, companied with a few soft thuds as though someone was walking and possibly a sniffle or two. L flicked his gaze away from the floor, and back to Mello and Matt, both of which were watching him curiously, if not a bit sadly.

"That was Near, wasn't it?"

L sighed and seemed downcast, for once letting his own feelings through, a bit more strongly than normal.

"Hai, Matt… that was Near. And he's been lying to us when he says he's fine. I think… I hate to think it, but… Near might be nearing the desperation that accompanies suicide cases. He is displaying many of the 'symptoms', after all... We can't rule out that possibility; nor can we forget him in the course of the Kira case."

And so the three began to speak of the boy, and how they might save him as he so blatantly pleaded for them to…

* * *

'I am so stupid. Working myself up over a song…'

"Why did I even sing it?" Near asked himself angrily, wiping his eyes furiously and moving over to his bed.

"Oh, god… L, please- please, please save me. I don't know what's happening to me anymore… This… this is starting to control me. I don't… I don't understand this pain."

Near- no longer Nero, for the effort of being a new person, of throwing it away, was too much for someone as frail as he to withstand- rolled over and sobbed into his pillow. He once more cried until his tears were gone… but this time, he didn't wish. He couldn't wish… there were no more of them left. There wasn't any hope left… just him, left floating in a dark sea, trying to swim but unable to; for there was too much weight attached to his ankles. He was handcuffed to an anvil, and the only way out was for someone to swim down with the key and free him, or give up, and let out his breath to drown…

Near dried his eyes and went into his bathroom, locking the door behind him just as someone else crept into the room.

Knowing he had little time to do it before Near might return, L quietly picked up the diary on Near's desk, and flipped to the latest entry, which spanned several pages. He made a snap decision and left the room with it, knowing he'd never finish it before Near came back; and he went to his floor.

L had been prepared to read the entry quickly; the last few had given big clues, but there was little substance to them. But the first line caught his attention and made his heart skip a beat in sympathy for the younger male, and he frowned as he re-read it before moving on. As he continued reading, his expression (unbeknownst to him) grew more and more downcast, darker and darker; which was why, when he didn't notice Matt and Mello come in at first, they stopped and watched him curiously.

When he finally finished reading the entry, L blinked in shock as he read the words "…Besides, there's no way L would ever want me now…", and an unbidden scowl came to rest upon his features.

"L, are you okay?"

L shoved the emotion off his face and looked at them, nodding slowly.

"But Near isn't. Read the first two pages of this-- the first two only, please-- and you'll understand what I mean."

Mello and Matt understood why he'd ask them not to read all of it-- clearly there were some personal issues stated in the entry. They would respect Near's privacy.

They, too, read the largest part of the entry; and they, too, were visibly saddened by sympathetic pain.

"He needs help," Mello said softly.

"You seem to have a penchant for stating the obvious, Mel," Matt said, joking half-heartedly.

"But how to help him… He seems to want to be helped, but at the same time, some of his actions and thoughts say otherwise…"

"What do you mean, L?" Mello asked, curious.

"Think about it… He's asking us, subtly, to help him. But all of his conscious actions reject you and try to push you away."

"Yeah, but we haven't seen you trying," Matt said sharply. Both of the other males looked at him almost instantly; and Matt sighed.

"I heard him say your name in his sleep, L. Several times. And while Mello and I are trying to help him… you've been doing almost nothing short of ignoring him, except for one or two minor interferences that mean nothing and only seem to prove that you're acting out of obligation. L, no offense, but the way you've been treating him pretty shitty lately if this is what you call comforting him."

L nodded, and seemed to space out.

"I can't talk to him yet. I just found out something… I know I need to act soon, but I need to think this over a bit first. I shall let you know how it goes…"

"Right… Good luck, L," Mello said softly.

L didn't reply, didn't look up, as his visitors left.

He was far too busy trying to decide how he felt about all this… and what he was willing to risk to save their little 'sheep'.

When he was interrupted by a familiar face framed by brown hair, the face of one of the top suspects of the Kira case, the moon had begun to rise and take its place in the sky.

* * *

_Well, that's all for today, folks! Hope you enjoyed it-- possibly enough to press the nice button saying "review"? -winkwinknudgenudge-_


	6. Of Interferences and Playing Dirty

__

So yeah. :3

_I have more review answering things to do. :D_

**Cassandra Phoenix**- _Yo! :3 _

_Yeah, well… they won't talk, much, but, ah… Well, you'll see. X3_

_And the chapters have been growing steadily longer; I've been trying, really, to at least reach 5000 words a chapter (ideally 10,000, but that's far from a reality at the moment), but I can never bring myself to write past that somehow-perfect ending point when it pops out._

_Like, I'll be writing and suddenly I'll be all, "That's such a good place to leave off". And I realize that going any further would ruin the next chapter's plot._

_So… like I said, I'm trying. ^_^''_

**Hentai-Otaku-** _Ahhh, someone's excited! X3_

_Well, I saw your review… and I was all, "Ooohh… well… I COULD try to come up with another chapter today…"_

__

Sometimes I amaze even me. -.-"

**butterfly1415**_- :DDD I loved your reviews. They were both very encouraging, and that's what made me pick this chapter back up even though I swore I had written enough for the day, and write more. You made me wanna post it RIGHT away. x3_

_I'm kind of upset by the fact that people seem to be losing interest/just not reading and reviewing right away, and maybe I'm just not giving you guys a chance to do it~_

_So I'm going to try and put at least a day or two between my updates now… Just to let you guys all catch up. X3_

**ALSO.** If I do not get at least five reviews for this chapter, I shall not post another!!

(Unless you're very lucky.) I love you all and I know you're reviewing, but I like the WAFF you get from a happy review. And I haven't been getting very many lately; maybe four a chapter, yet that's with another two people hopping on the bandwagon. :/

I don't know.. I don't want to, like, pressure you all. And like, kill you. But I'd really appreciate it…

Hence why I'm trying to make this chapter so freaking long. .

.

_Alright! On to the story!!_

* * *

Chapter 5:

**Of Interferences and Playing Dirty**

This couldn't be happening.

"This… this isn't what it looked like," Near told himself desperately, now alone in his room.

"It wasn't what it looked like… it wouldn't happen if he was willing… would he…?"

Near shook his head anxiously.

"He read my diary! He knows…! And he kisses someone else in spite of that, without even talking to me…?"

Near made himself relive the memory of last night; he'd finally dragged himself to L's floor to try and apologize… The door was open, so he went in, and he heard a thud against a wall. Moving over to a door that was half-open, Near peered inside, only to see Light-- now probably his enemy, his rival, if need be, if he wanted to still try to pursue L's affections-- pin L to a wall and start kissing him.

Unbeknownst to Near, who had promptly (and silently) run out of the area, preferring his own room, L had pushed him away mere moments later, apologizing and telling the brunet that he simply couldn't return his feelings at the moment, for there were issues troubling him… and someone that he believed he liked more than the brunet.

But as it was, Near only stood witness to the kiss; and that is what left him alone in his room. This location, and the boring loneliness accompanied with doing nothing with no one around, was becoming horribly familiar, as he was returning to his room more and more, for longer periods of time-- though it wasn't like he ever really left in the first place.

A knock sounded on the door, and Near sat up on his bed. Warily, he admitted them, by telling them they were free to enter; and nearly cried, nearly snarled in anger, when he saw L.

So many emotions, so quickly to arise… it was unlike him. But then again, he was growing used to it, whether they were hidden or not. Lately his hidden emotions were invisibly wreaking havoc on him.

"Near. I noticed you were on my floor last night, and I assume that you only stayed long enough to see Yagami-san kiss me, correct?"

Near nodded, helplessly, even if he didn't appear it, and vaguely another thought came to mind: what if L wouldn't like him simply because he wasn't gay? Or because of the ten-year difference, which had been painfully obvious from the get-go…

"Then you did not see me push him away and tell him that I am unable to return his 'feelings', as I prefer another person?"

"L, you and I both know that all you're doing is dangling false hope in front of me. If you're not going to be able to swear you love me, and that you _will_ care for me and be there for me-- then it's rather pointless for you to be here."

Suddenly, loud, frantic knocking sounded on the door.

"L!? ARE YOU THERE!?" Called a horribly frantic game-loving redhead.

Near got up and opened the door that was being beaten by the anxious redhead, and raised an eyebrow.

"What happened?" Near asked softly.

"Mello-- he went ape-nuts and fucking _attacked_ that Misa girl, and I can't get him to stop!"

Near, somewhat amused, followed as Matt led him and L to the apparent scene of the crime.

* * *

"GET OFF MEE!" a rather horrified and appalled Misa yelled shrilly.

Mello was slapping her and drew his gun, putting it to her head with a look of sheer annoyance and boredom, one that said 'I-would-much-rather-be-killing-myself-right-now'. He was used to this type of girl, having had dealt with Linda in Whammy's.

Misa obviously wanted to scream, but her voice failed her, her eyes wide with terror.

"Shut up. You're a pathetic, stupid little whore, and I've had fucking enough of you and that bitchy attitude of yours. Ask anyone and you will learn that I am more than willing-- and able-- to give you the most painful death you have _never_ imagined. Stop fucking ranting about Ryuuzaki and Near and how you want to freakin' rape them in their sleep, and you had better fucking stop even _thinking_ you'll have a chance with _my_ Matt. Now keep your fucking attitude-- and chest-- to yourself, and realize that no one here is the least bit amused or turned on by your shrill, idiotic attempts to 'seduce' us, because they're sorely lacking since they're made to work on pathetic seven-year-olds, not Mafia members, Hackers, Detectives, Police, and company."

Misa whimpered softly, her eyes still staring at the gun, clearly still terrified.

"Oh… and if you ever touch Matt again…"

Mello shot the ground right beside her head, and grinned darkly.

"…Then I won't be nice enough to give you a warning shot before I kill you."

Misa tried to scream; at which point L convinced Mello to leave her alone and she then clung to L. This, of course, meant that Near had to bite back jealousy and return to his room.

* * *

Misa was livid.

No, she was more than livid.

"Ooooohhhhh… They're going to _get_ it!" She muttered to herself.

"I am _so_ going to make them regret that…"

And then, slowly, an idea came into existence, thought up by the person most likely regarded as the world's biggest ditz.

"And they say I'm not smart," She said, grinning.

Misa would prove Mello wrong once and for all!

* * *

L was sitting with Matt and Mello-- big surprise, there-- in the living room of the first floor (which was kind of a gathering place; more of a common room than personal floors seemed to be).

And then, a very annoying-- and scantily clad-- Misa came in. Her outfit was black leather; it barely covered her chest and lower regions, making her only _just_ decent to look at-- but only in passing could one look without dying an agonized death via blindness. Her outfit was a skirt and shirt combination, though the shirt really only consisted of an 'x' of leather over her belly and two straps holding it up, for the main part of it had a heart cut out of it to reveal even more of her chest. Her skirt wasn't much more presentable; it was so short that it barely fit her properly by the looks of it; the tips of her underwear and ass could be seen. And god, it was a lacy, black _thong_.

"Look away now, Mello," Matt said, having seen the disturbing sight, and covering his and Mello's eyes instinctively (he somehow knew that more than five seconds of exposure to this would cause their retinas to burn out, leaving them blind).

L, however, only raised a single eyebrow, but did not question Misa's get-up. He knew very well her motives and what she was likely planning. Though there was only a fifteen per cent chance that she would target h--

He was broken out of his musings by a soft, firm ass (that was flattering her-- try sharp and bony!) plopping itself in his lap, forcing him to sit normally (Oh, for fuck's sakes-- that had hurt, and didn't she know he hated sitting normally? It reduced his reasoning ability…!).

"_Ryuuzaki-kuuunnn_~," Misa crooned in a sickly sweet voice.

'I should just ignore her-- don't look--'

But L didn't pay attention to his gut instinct and instead opened his eyes to give Misa a rather bored and annoyed expression (though only those close to him could really identify it as such).

Misa took this opportunity to shock him with a peek into her shirt via bending over-- why couldn't she wear normal bra instead of that lacy, tiny piece of string!?-- before kissing him rather forcefully.

L did his best to ignore this, even going so far as to roll his eyes, but then Misa did something completely unfair and quite unwanted.

She turned so that she was practically straddling him, and started grinding against him.

Of course, he noticed Near out of the corner of his eye; yet again the albino came in to see something painful and leave.

Misa was a conniving bitch.

She was also ecstatic. Ryuuzaki wasn't protesting, not even a little bit, and she'd soon even have him hard--

But then she was confused, and felt pain in her elbows. When had she gotten on the floor? Had Ryuuzaki jumped her…?

And then she blinked and saw him resettling himself in his chair to finish his tea.

"Misa, that was a completely immature and revolting display."

She was beaten-- but she still had dignity, so she 'hmmph'-ed as she got up.

"By the way, Misa, a bit of advice for you. Next time, try someone who isn't gay, for one."

Misa shrieked angrily, flipped him the finger, and stormed out like the little bitch she was.

Mello and Matt, who had been watching with an air of indifference, promptly burst out in loud peals of laughter.

* * *

Near exhaled in a shaky hiss. It hadn't happened on purpose-- well, not at first. He'd accidentally grabbed a razor that had its blades coming awfully loose (he had tripped in the bathroom, and grabbed at the counter wildly). He'd opened his hands, staring wonderingly at the vicious, red lines across his palm, which were bleeding, the color trying to blend with the skin around it.

He'd lifted the blade off his palm, still slightly awed that he felt a kind of release with the pain, and hesitatingly let the blade caress his wrist before dragging it across, in a place that his shirts would hide.

The immediate result was pain; but following it was a twisted pleasure, and a feeling of release, his worries starting to dissipate as he cut again and again. He made sure, though his mind was a bit foggy with the pain-pleasure combination, that he didn't cut very deep or wide; the last thing he needed was to bleed all over the place. No, he did only light cuts, just enough to give him a taste of the pain; for he was new to it.

"Hahhh…"

The pleasure that laced the pain running through his veins was almost enough to become arousing, he noticed with a spark of surprise. But the surprise faded and his thoughts dimmed again as the blade flashed red once more in the light of his bathroom, hidden from the world.

Not that it ever really wanted to see him.

* * *

L felt bad about installing cameras and microphones in every room of each floor behind the inhabitants' backs… but then his computer started emitting a pained hiss and a 'hahh' that sounded just as pained, but almost content.

Mind jumping through the possibilities, L turned on the screen, and brought up Near's floor, sifting through the rooms. When he saw the master bathroom, he almost wished he hadn't; Near was sitting slumped against the wall, his right arm covered in bleeding cuts, his left hand (newly de-casted) dancing among the red with a silver, small blade that dripped red.

L cursed and fled his floor, hoping to reach Near before he went too far to be brought back.

* * *

Near sighed and hid the blade, and hit his head against the wall behind him.

First he had to deal with cleaning up after coughing like he did, and now this, too?

But it didn't matter. For some reason… he felt like… like, maybe, he wasn't quite so imperfect.

And then his bathroom door swung wide, and a familiar face hovered in front of his own, clouded by understanding and sorrow as a cool, pale hand grasped his own, gently trailing fingers down along the cuts. In a haze, Near watched without really paying attention, as the figure in front of him grabbed a first aid kit and started bandaging the cuts he'd made on his own skin.

Finally, the male that had crouched in front of him and helped him met his gaze unwaveringly; Near mentally started to snap out of the fog that had clouded his mind, and he felt despair as he looked into L's eyes.

Looking away, he closed his eyes and then began to tremble as that icy hand returned, but this time to cup his cheek gently. Near's eyes opened, widening almost involuntarily as he looked at L; and then, as soft, firm lips pressed against his own firmly, unhesitatingly, all he could do was give out a shocked "Mmnh--!" in response. He felt like pulling back, both to get air and cease the sudden contact; but as soon as he felt the urge, he quelled it, daring to hope for love; Near parted his lips ever-so-slightly, going by instinct rather than relying on logic or knowledge (which he had very little of in this situation). His hands slowly came up to rest on the back of L's head and neck, and he felt the other male lick at his lower lip, the hot, wet muscle that was L's tongue feeling rather strange... in a good way, he decided. But then, L drew back a little bit to breathe, staring into Near's eyes (which had opened in protest as soon as he pulled away) and searching them for something.

Near gave a little whimper of need and the want not to abandoned; and said male returned to his lips, his index- and middle- fingers resting on the underside of the other boy's chin to tilt his head upwards a little.

"I'm sorry I didn't come to you sooner," L said quietly, after a few moments.

"I should know myself better than this…"

Near gave him an odd look, still out of breath from the solemn, yet heated kisses they shared; L smiled wanly in response.

"I should have known that I love you," He elaborated; Near's eyes, always looking so lifeless and dull, suddenly started to gleam with an inner light, as it were, when understanding flashed across his face; Near practically jumped at him, pressing his lips to L's in a fevered passion that L felt should be taken advantage of.

So the detective nibbled gently on Near's bottom lip, earning a gasp; he used the opportunity to slide his tongue into the boy's mouth.

Near moaned into L's mouth, unable to stop himself, when that hot, wet tongue slipped into his mouth; and his fingers wrapped themselves almost painfully tight in L's hair. Slowly, reluctantly, he pulled away, to gasp the words he'd been dying to utter in L's presence: "I love you too."

It wasn't as impartial and meaningless-sounding as most of his words were; this was said in a fevered, urgent tone, breathlessness and a slight fear of being so vulnerable creeping into his words. In reply, L held him close to his chest; a hand stroked his hair gently, and Near's eyes fluttered closed, basking in the comfort L provided, even as his body screamed for L to kiss him, to continue showing him the physical manifestation of these feelings. Yes, Near loved him emotionally and mentally; but he was lost in the physical sense of it, and he felt abandoned without L's kisses, stranded alone once more. But having L touch him at all was enough; and he didn't want to offend or bother his love with asking for anything more.

"Near, promise me you won't hurt yourself."

Near sighed and nuzzled L's shoulder gently, sleepily.

"That's playing dirty, L."

Without promising- whether from his tired state or because he couldn't face L and promise not to, Near dozed off in L's embrace; and L was content to just sit there and keep stroking the smaller boy's hair as he slept, sighing.

While he did love Near, and was devoted to him, this couldn't ever live to be more than a short-lived, hopefully unimportant fling. After all… if anyone knew that Near was more than a friend to him, not only could he get into trouble with the law since he would practically be considered a pedophile, but Near could start to get targeted by his enemies.

"Near… Don't let yourself love me too strongly," He whispered softly, hating himself as he did.

"I'm not worth it."

Near, sleeping peacefully, didn't respond.

* * *

Mello didn't know what was going on, but Near was getting better, it was clear. His eyes were bright and lively again, and sometimes he even smiled, _truly_ smiled.

And he noticed that whenever L talked to the albino-- who had returned to wearing his pajamas, gradually, and whose hair was steadily, if slowly, going back to white as well (apparently his hair didn't hold the pigment well)-- Near would practically light up like a kid at Christmas.

It was rather clear that Near and L had something between them, small and not yet 'serious', and that Near was steadily growing dependant on the older detective. Mello looked on, disturbed by this revelation. Near shouldn't be so dependant, should he? Unfortunately, Mello didn't know; the other orphan had never dated or been in a relationship, as far as he knew.

Well, that wasn't completely true; at one point, when Mello hadn't yet grown to hate him, Near had been a kind-of boyfriend, for a few days; they'd mostly hung out and chatted, but they saw each other very rarely because of a large project, and then Matt and some friends started spreading some rumors, which Mello had heard; and then Near had pulled out on top; Mello had dumped him with a note that badmouthed him and told him to "fuck off".

Mello regretted it now, because it wasn't fair to Near, but he doubted Near remembered it now.

But even so, watching as Near clung to L as they shared a gentle kiss, he knew something would destroy this budding romance, though it hurt him to think it.

'Please let them survive this, and whatever happens to it…' Mello thought.

* * *

_Okay! You guys are great… so Imma give you a teaser!! :D_

"_It had been years, now, since Near had last seen L-- L, the only one he'd ever loved past a childhood crush that had ended nowhere._

_He'd given everything he was to the detective, and he had died inside when he saw it…_

_And he vowed to avenge his lover, vowed with all his heart…He _would_ avenge L…"_


	7. Of Love and Hate

_Alright~_

_Review answering time!! _

**ZoneRobotnik**-_ Yeah... at least._

_Though that's not quite true anymore. ^.^''_

**Hentai-Otaku**- ­_Holy Hamburgers is right! But why 'poor' Near? He did get the guy, after all ;3_

_Or is it 'cause of the teaser? 3_

**Mini Muffin Jenko Chan**­- _Holy Sushi, You WERE mentioned. ;3_

_Yeah… L does kind of seem like that kind of guy. But you have to admit, this is big, and he realized how much Near needs him, right?_

_Mmmhmm. Don't second-guess the author. X3_

_Just kidding. _

_Yo, since you're interested, I'll put in a poll-- just for you. D_

**Cassandra Phoenix**­-_ Ahahaha, I really have all of you squirming, huh? X3_

_Well, hopefully this was soon enough for you. ;3_

**NejiIsMineXD- **_Wow… you love me? ;3 Yay for that vote of confidence!_

_And I'm glad it sounds tres realistic. ;3_

**Okay. So.**_ The truth is, I've been skipping school for a bit 'cause my parents are in Newfoundland. Big whoop, right? I was also sick, though, so I have a partial reason. X3_

_And I realized-- whoa. I've had over ONE HUNDRED people read this story in the last what THREE days? And only five or six are bothering to review?_

_Thank you to my faithful reviewers; but to the rest of you, _please_. A review is the least, in my opinion, that you could give in return for this story. Truly, the only reason I write is because of people that would enjoy it-- have a heart? Please?_

_Just to add to the mood… those of you that are heartless shalt not get a lemon! D_

_I shall keep it, and only give it out to my faithful reviewers, unless I get enough reviews to satisfy me-- in which case I shall update this chapter, adding the lemon to it. And the number of reviews required…Well, let's just say it is an absurdly low number._

_Take that!_

_P.S. If you're alright with ah, sexual themes, and cursing, you should really check out _Blood on the Dance Floor._ A truly amazing band-- they're really, really good._

_P.P.S. I'm truly sorry that I ended the story so soon, and that it ended up so sad (I cried writing it, I must admit) and woefully short._

_But I had to, it was just begging me to turn out this way._

_Yes, that's right folks-- _This is the last chapter of "Falling Short".

_Now, I shall hand out a few awards, before the chapter begins, so as not to break the mood at the end._

**Award Of Dedication-** Goes to **Hentai-Otaku** and **butterfly1415**. You both reviewed every chapter-- I want to personally thank you both for sticking around for it all, though it was a short, though probably sweet ride. :3

**Award Of Expression-**Goes to **Cassandra Phoenix**. Your reviews were longest, and though there weren't many, you definitely expressed your desire to read more and how the story appealed to you.

**Award Of Loveable-ness**- Goes to **NejiIsMineXD**. You were absolutely adorable and kept saying how you love me. Hope you don't hate me when you finish the chapter and realize that I pretty much ruined it all for them. :/

**Award Of Nonsense**- Goes to **Mini Muffin Jenko Chan**. Your reviews are hilarious and always provide a source of good, clean fun and praise. I loved reading them, and I hope you enjoy the chapter, hun.

**Award Of Exciteability-** Goes to **Hentai-Otaku**. Your reviews always had you excited and begging for more. It was definitely fun reading them. ;3

**Award Of Clarity-** Goes to **butterfly 1415**. Your reviews clearly told me what was good and what you thought could be done better. Thank you for being so honest and constructive. :3

**Award Of Fanboy/girlism- **Goes to **The Philosopher's Queen**, **Mini Muffin Jenko Chan**, and **Obsessive Rainbow Stalker**. You guys are all awesome. D

**Award Of Fail**- Goes to **ZoneRobotnik**. You only reviewed once? x3 Oh well-- I don't blame you. Thanks for reviewing, Zone-- I really appreciate it. :3

**Award Of Criticism-** Goes to **Ravens Bane**. You told me what you thought could be improved on, even if you didn't review every chapter. Thanks for your input-- I enjoyed your reviews greatly.

**Award Of Epic-Ness- **Goes to **everyone that reviewed**. You all rock my socks, and I appreciate your comments. Thank you for taking the time to click that button. :3

_Before you get to read the final chapter, I have one last thing to say._

_Write (and read) on, and let your words come freely._

_Love, your friend, _

Consciously Comatose.

**Chapter Six:**

**Of Love and Hate**

Near sighed, leaning against L's chest tiredly. For the first time, L had finally relented and said yes to his subtle requests; and so Near lay against the dark-haired male as L traced patterns idly on his chest, the albino boy motionless because he felt rather sore from their activities, which occurred not too long ago.

"I love you, La-- L," Near said softly, refraining from using L's last name. He had been almost shocked to realize that L's full name was just that-- L Lawliet-- when L had told him.

"Hnn," L replied, his grunt of acknowledgement likely unsatisfactory to most. But Near… Whether he was just reading too much into it or not, he felt it really meant 'I love you too'. But every day he was beginning to second-guess it more and more often…

"Please…" Near pleaded softly.

"Please, what?"

"L… please. Don't do this to me."

L sighed softly and twirled some of Near's hair around a finger.

"I love you too, Nate," He replied softly, pressing a kiss to Near's forehead.

"I'm sorry that I don't say it often enough for you… But I am paranoid about it being found out, as you must know by now…"

Near sighed contentedly, nuzzling L's chest, the flesh he touched warm and slightly sticky from sweat.

"It's not a problem… The times you do say it more than make up for when you don't," He replied, and it was clear that this was true. Somehow, it scared him, this devotion.

"That's what I'm afraid of," L said softly, as Near fell asleep, curled up against him.

Gently, he pulled the sheets up to cover them, and he sighed as he held the younger boy close.

"It's not safe for you to love me so passionately, so completely. It isn't safe for either of us to love at all."

* * *

Near was sitting in the computer area, along with most of the workforce, and L. And suddenly, just after a speculation about Kira, the dark-haired detective collapsed for no apparent rhyme or reason.

"L!" Near screamed. He knew. He already knew…

Running to L and tracing his cheek with a shaking finger, Near felt tears well up in his eyes. L mouthed "I love you" as the light left his eyes.

Near went into hysterics, shoving away whoever came near him or L. He knew the detective was already dead.

And as Mello finally managed to drag him away, Matt helping to try and calm him down, he swore that he would kill Kira himself.

"YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS," He yelled brokenly. "I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS! I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF!"

He knew exactly who had killed Lawliet, and why-- Kira, a.k.a Yagami Light, and 'why' contained the fact that L would have caught him.

His hysterics triggered a fit of coughing, but thankfully the full-year antibiotic plan the hospital had him on was curing him of Tuberculosis, meaning no more coughing blood.

That night, he rediscovered the escape a blade provided.

And then there were three.

* * *

"_Near, please eat something."_

"_I have eaten. I shall eat enough to survive, Mello."_

"_Near, please… talk to me."_

"_Is this not enough of a conversation, Matt?"_

"Near… I'm sorry, but we're leaving. Light doesn't trust us, and we can't stand to see you like this when you won't respond to us."

"…Do as you like… I cannot stop you."

Near hid the death of the last of his hope; he knew they would leave him alone someday, even if he still needed him.

"Do you want to come with us?"

Near looked up at Mello and Matt sharply. The look in his eyes told them that he had no one else that he felt comfortable or safe around, and that without them, he would go further in this downward spiral he called life.

"…"

He couldn't answer. Finally, he gave a weak, pained shake of the head; Matt understood and ruffled the albino's hair in what was supposed to be a comforting gesture.

"If… if you ever need us, Near… call my number, here." And so Matt gave him a number scrawled on a scrap of paper; Near nodded emotionlessly and returned to his puzzle.

He didn't even bother to try to hide his tears when they left. But nonetheless, he put the puzzle back in its box, and returned to his room. Packing a white backpack with only a few essentials (food, water, money, clothes, and a single toy; a blue teddy bear plush that was old and worn, the first gift L had ever given him) and used a cellphone to call a taxi.

So, he managed to get away from Light; he took up residence in a small building and set up a computer networking connection.

It was much later when he dug out the number Matt had given him, and picked up a phone slowly, dialing as if uncertain.

* * *

Matt groaned as Mello threw a phone at him.

"Answer it, it's yours."

Matt rolled his eyes and answered it, almost dropping it as he sat up straight, uncrossing his legs as he realized who it was.

"Near!? Are you okay? How are you? Do you need help?"

Matt had a right to be so worried, it had been quite a few months.

"I'm fine. The reason I called is because I found a picture of Mello online and I thought it would be best if he came to pick it up…"

Near's voice sounded oddly hollow; Matt shared a look with Mello and nodded, forgetting Near couldn't see him.

"Okay, we'll come. Where are you….?"

* * *

Near was sitting with a leg tucked in close to his chest, and he was holding a photo of Mello in his hand. It was from when they were in Whammy's…

Suddenly a knock sounded at the apartment door; Near walked over to it and peered out the peephole before opening it and returning to his seat before Mello and Matt even got inside.

"Near… are you okay?" Matt asked softly.

"I'm fine. Is Matt okay?"

Mello and Matt shared a glance as they looked back at Near.

"Yeah, I'm alright…"

"I found a picture of Mello online, and I destroyed all the other copies. I thought maybe Mello would like to have the original."

Mello blinked at Near's odd speech patterns and accepted the photograph silently.

"I have been working on the Kira case… but I have not gotten as far as I would like." Near pursed his lips in thought.

"Perhaps Mello and Matt would be willing to collaborate?"

"Alright..." Mello uttered, before moving forward to move his hand in front of Near's face.

Near didn't follow the movement, but he did look Mello in the eye, and speak.

"What was Mello trying to achieve by waving his hand in front of my face? Simply because my speech patterns have changed does not mean Mello has the right to assume I have something intrinsically wrong with me. Nor do I think there is any evidence to suggest that I am blind or possibly hallucinating, depending on his motives."

Mello rolled his eyes a little.

"Smartass," He mouthed to Matt, but Near noticed and frowned.

"I do not believe my rear has an IQ, let alone one that is separate from my brain. Now, if Mello and Matt will excuse me, I must get back to work. Mello and Matt are both welcome to stay here as long as they like."

Matt nodded in Mello's place, and ruffled Near's hair worriedly in parting before the three separated; Mello and Matt to go get their stuff, and Near to go work.

* * *

Near watched, horrified and upset, as Matt stepped out of the car, captured by the news camera, months later.

"…Guys were allowed to carry big guns," He said jovially, smoking a cigarette, his hands up. Several of the large guns were cocked.

Loosely, roughly, he was doing sign language; _I. Love. You… M-e-l-l-o._

"Come on, you wouldn't shoot--"

And the guns spat hundreds of bullets, mercilessly shredding Matt's flesh, his eyes going wide in pain behind his goggles.

He fell against the hood of his car, and his cigarette fell from his lips slowly, burning his coat, as he took his last breath.

A single tear escaped his goggles, going unnoticed by many.

And then there were two.

Near bowed his head and forced himself not to cry.

He couldn't cry.

He wouldn't.

Just because another of his most precious people was torn away from him… he would not cry.

He could last until Kira was dead.

That's all the time he needed.

* * *

Mello was crying. But Near didn't know that. He was in a warehouse, confronting Light Yagami, who stood tall as he trapped himself with his pawn, Teru Mikami, who failed his 'god', and pointed to who Kira was.

It had been years, now, since Near had last seen L-- L, the only one he'd ever loved past a childhood crush that had ended nowhere.

He'd given everything he was to the detective, and he had died inside when he saw it…

And he vowed to avenge his lover, vowed with all his heart…He_ would_ avenge L…

Near sighed hollowly as Light went mad, and was shot by Matsuda.

Matsuda may be an ass, but he always has your back…

Near stood slowly and walked away as Ryuk wrote Light's name in his Death Note.

* * *

A few days later, Mello had to kick down the door to the bathroom in the apartment he and Near shared. Near had cut his arms brutally, and was sitting in the bathtub. There was so much blood…

Mello dragged the still-conscious boy out of the tub, bandaged his wounds, and began to keep a closer eye on him, berating him all the while.

And he wanted to cry because there were only two of them left… and because he wanted to do the same.

* * *

"Mello… I ask you to let me die."

Near caught Mello's eye over an untouched breakfast, a week after his suicide attempt, as he spoke.

"I cannot cope with life, Mello. This… this is killing me. I no longer have a purpose... I… I want to see him again."

Mello cringed, and looked away.

"I can't do that, Near. I'm sorry… I just can't."

"You want to die as well, Mello. But you won't let yourself, because you are afraid and you are not strong enough, even if you hate it, and because Matt told you he loves you before he died-- because before either of you even left on that scheme, he told you that if he died he wanted you to live _for_ him. Mello… You will be L. You can wreak vengeance on those criminals that would do the same damage to other innocents.

"You are stronger than I am… please… I cannot do this anymore. I am no longer happy… I have not been that way for years, Mello, and you know it. And I know it hurts, but there is nothing you can do but let me die, or force me to suffer here."

Near stood and approached Mello's chair, whispering in his ear softly, his tone overflowing with pain and an overwhelming plea.

"If you care for me at all… please, I beg you. Let me go."

Mello had to struggle not to cry as he held Near close for what they knew was their last shared moment.

"I'm sorry for how I treated you in Whammy's. You… you are an amazing person, Near. And you didn't deserve any of the shit I put you through."

"…I forgave you long ago for that, Mello."

He paused, and then said, "I'll tell Matt that you love him, still… and… could you please bury me next to L? It… it might help me find him…"

Mello nodded quietly, his eyes shut tightly.

Near said nothing else as he slipped away, heading for his room. He grabbed a knife from the kitchen counter on the way out.

Mello couldn't hold in his tears anymore as he heard a soft thud from Near's room. Ten minutes later, his heart heavy and already having been broken by Matt's death, he went to the room and opened wide the door.

He fell to kneel in Near's blood, and cradled the lifeless boy close to him, feeling what was left of his heart splinter and break as sobs wracked his body.

And then there was one.

* * *


End file.
